Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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