The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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