Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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