That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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