my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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