I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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