I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
