So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
