Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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