I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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