i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
