Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
