her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
i've created a new STD.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
