if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My penis needs a shock collar
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
