with your own penis?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
