1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My penis needs a shock collar
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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