Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
soo... how was my night?
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