Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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