Just cropdusted the office
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
