and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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