My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
