forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
