six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
