Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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