My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
