I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
