Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
We smell like vodka and hangover
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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