so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
