Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
