When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
