separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
