your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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