I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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