I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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