I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
