I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
