They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
