There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
