Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
