I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
