the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
