I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
