pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize