Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
