I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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