I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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