Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
