Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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