i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
