haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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