sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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