Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
