Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
