A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
