Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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