There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
