i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
