I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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