...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize