I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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