I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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