I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
