So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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